My mother came into town for her spring break, so I’ve been on a temporary hiatus from reviewing restaurants as I have been eating loads of home cooking (and home-cooked leftovers).  I thought I’d pay her back (as best I could with my meagre salary) and take her out someplace nice.  We ended up going to Upstairs in the Square in Harvard Square, which is one of the most convoluted restaurants I’ve ever been to (and that includes Vapiano).  There are multiple different dining rooms, each with a similar, yet slightly different menu.  We started on the first floor, and told the hostess we were mostly vegetarian, so she said “You should try the Supper Club menu, there is a vegetarian prix fixe.”  So, we decided to climb up to the top level which was decorated like an Alice in Wonderland tea party.

We actually ended up not ordering the vegetarian prix fixe which was a 5 or 7 course meal for 50-70 dollars (depending on how many dishes you wanted).  Funnily enough, most of the dishes on the prix fixe were available à la carte, so we decided to split a few entrées and appetizers.  The free bread (pain gratis, if you prefer pretense) was tasty despite being sourdough.  I don’t like sourdough, but I do like free bread, so I’ll say the bread made me morally conflicted.

Our waiter told us that he really liked us, so he had the chef make us some cheese gougères, which were basically fried cheese puffs.  They were quite fantastic, and we were really excited to get these for free.  That was until we saw our waiter say the exact same thing to another table.  That actually broke my heart almost as much as my last girlfriend, because you expect that from someone you are involved with emotionally, but not a waiter!  He even invited us to come visit him in Brazil during the World Cup in 2014!

After that, we tried to salvage the dining experience despite that overt betrayal.  Fortunately, my mother’s Jerusalem artichoke soup was phenomenal, with bits of sorrel and black trumpet dried mushrooms providing texture contrasts to the perfectly salted and flavoured soup.  I am not a big fan of soups, but even I was impressed by this soup.

I ordered the roasted beet salad with horseradish panna cotta, which was a phenomenal dish.  The sweetness of the beets paired with the sinus-clearing flavor of the horseradish was an intriguingly tasty pairing.  I could eat this all day.

Unfortunately, there was only one entree for the three vegetarians, which was mixed winter root vegetables with gnocchi.  Almost all other gnocchi dishes that I have ever had were very heavy and filling, this dish was magically light.  It was minimally salted, and the contrasting flavors of brussel sprouts, carrots, parsnips, mushrooms and chestnuts with pesto created a delightfully tasty broth remaining after the dish was finished.

At this point I was pretty full, but we had to order dessert.  My cousin ordered churros with chocolate syrup and cinnamon ice cream which was phenomenal.  Each item (churros, syrup, ice cream) would have been delicious on their own, but in combination were amazing.

I ordered the gateau noisette, a hazelnut mousse torte with hazelnut butter cream and hazelnut ice cream.  It was a little too hazelnutty for my liking, and I like hazelnut.  At this point I wished I had gotten the churros instead.  Apologies for the blurriness.  At this point I was approaching a diabetic coma.

My mother ordered the chocolate pecan turtles, which were chocolate covered pecans with a brown sugar caramel.  These were very tasty, but ludicrously sweet, to the point that I could only eat a half of one (okay, maybe one and a half) of the three turtles.

Upstairs in the Square in my opinion is a little pricey, but definitely worth going if you want to experience fine dining.  The service is very friendly (perhaps too friendly – don’t get emotionally attached to your waiter, they’ll break your heart).  I know I gave a glowing review of Rialto, but I would say that Upstairs in the Square is better than Rialto.  There are not a lot of vegan options (the gnocchi had egg, the soup and salad all had dairy), so for that I can’t give them five cheese sandwiches.  But I will give them four and a half cheese sandwiches.

Upstairs in the Square
91 Winthrop Street
Cambridge, MA 02138 
(617) 864-1933

People always ask me, “Hey Cheese Sandwich Guy!  What’s you’re favorite veggie burger?”  That’s actually a difficult question, as different veggie burgers are good for different reasons.  For instance, you may like a veggie burger because it has a texture similar to a real burger.  I don’t personally, as I think those “fake” burgers taste like eating a rubber tire.  My personal favorite veggie burger is really a burger that uses portobello mushroom instead of a burger.  Simple, “meaty”, and works really well if you get a fancy burger with cheese and other fixins.  For those of you who like the vegetable patty style burger, there are different styles and ingredients which are good for different reasons. Probably my favorite vegetable patty would have to be from the Druid (though they have nothing else vegetarian on the menu there).  A strong second would have to be Four Burgers in Central Square.

Four Burgers has a really ingenious concept, serve four really delicious variants of burger, that are very high end and charge exorbitant amounts of money for it!  A typical burger costs about 7 dollars, and with fries and a shake you pay around $16 for a meal!  And it is designed to look like a nicer McDonalds.  The premise of Four Burgers is that there are four burgers: a regular burger, turkey burger, salmon burger, and veggie burger (which is vegan).

The problem with this format is while it is simple, you can’t really play around with toppings and ingredients, and the servers scowl at you if you try to make things too complicated.  But if you want a simple burger and fries and no fuss, this is the place for you!  For my liking the black bean burger is pretty tasty, and is served with salsa and guacamole (i.e. western style), but the combination of flavors is pretty simplistic, and I feel like something is missing flavor-wise.  The food is all quite mushy and salty and buttery, but it would be nice to have a contrasting flavor/texture, though I still am not sure what exactly that would be.  Perhaps tortilla strips mixed in with the salsa, and/or fried jalapeno slices?  I think this would provide a little bit of heat to make the burger more flavorful (the salsa, guacamole and burger are all a little bland, and adding Cholula just makes it taste like Cholula).  The sweet potato and regular fries are pretty average and nothing to write home about.  And I can’t get ranch dressing to dip my fries into, which is not a good thing for a quasi-obese Southerner like me.

Overall, Four Burgers is a simple tasty, yet expensive restaurant.  I have eaten here a few times and have enjoyed it every time (though my wallet did not).  Considering the concept is so simple, you’d think there would be a way to make the food cheaper.  But I think that’s the price you pay for quality food, and local ingredients.  My one critique is that I think I could make a tastier veggie burger by modifying the toppings, and Four Burgers doesn’t let me have it my way (the one thing Burger King got right).  So, I’ll give Four Burgers four cheese sandwiches, as that feels appropriate.

*This has been asked once to me, but I prefer hyperbole. And they did call me “Cheese Sandwich Guy” despite knowing my real name.

Four Burgers
704 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, MA 02139 
(617) 441-5444

My uncle was in town from New Bedford, which is always a good opportunity to get a free meal at a fancy restaurant.  So, he took me, my cousin/roommate, and an friend of his out to dinner at Cuchi Cuchi, co-owned by Fernanda da Silva, a old friend of his (and potential former flame???).*

If you’ve never been to Cuchi Cuchi, it is an experience to have, as the atmosphere is straight out of a silent film (though much noisier), and all the servers are dressed like courtesans of that era.  I would suggest that you make sure you get reservations.  My genius uncle just strolls into restaurants and assumes he’ll get a table, which he was rightly rebuffed by the hostess.  Admittedly, he knew the owner for years (possibly biblically), so he told the hostess that he’s an old friend of Fernanda’s. They were fairly accomodating, despite there being a one hour wait, and they initially sat us down at “Fernanda’s table” while we waited for our table to open up.  Eventually, we were seated (around 30-45 minutes) at a table in the back, which is definitely the less pleasant part of the restaurant.  The interesting 20’s style decor is all in the front, while a more proletariat style is in the back.

As soon as we got our table, I was instructed to order every vegetarian item off the menu (practically), as this was a small plates restaurant.  Cuchi Cuchi makes it a point to state that it is not a tapas restaurant, with the tone of “tapas is pretentious”.  In actuality, they say “tapas […] are from Spain… We globe trot!”. Nope, not pretentious at all.  Neither are the courtesan styled-waitresses, dress code of “casual elegance (pearls and jeans), or potato croquettes stuffed with rice, cheese and parsley skewered with an origami crane toothpick.  Ok, the potato croquettes were pretty delicious, but served with a red sauce that was somewhere between ketchup and pasta sauce and a white cheese sauce, they were somewhat decadent.

Since we were following the “small plates” theme, and my cousin ate half of croquettes, I continued on to the fried artichoke hearts filled with gorgonzola, pistachio and basil.  These were served over the white cheese sauce, and approximately at this point my gout kicked in.

At least I was able to get some vegetables with the grilled eggplant napoleon, thinly sliced layers of eggplant, tomato, and peppers, topped with herbed goat cheese.  This dish succeeded in making me feel like I was eating healthy and unhealthy at the same time.

Considering how decadent every other “small plate” at Cuchi Cuchi was, I was slightly underwhelmed by the mushroom risotto.  That is until the waitress asked how much truffle oil I wanted on the risotto.  That’s not a thing you ask!  From my experience, truffle oil is something best used in small doses to great potency.  As soon as she uncorked the bottle, I said “Stop”, which was still too late to prevent her from dropping a few tablespoons on top.  So much for risotto without excess.

After all of that, I wasn’t really feeling fit to eat dessert, but Fernanda finally came by and gave my uncle a warm, if slightly awkward embrace (has to be a former lover).**  The hug successfully enabled us to get a free dessert – the French banana bread extravaganza.  This is essentially fried bread, fried banana, and ice cream and whipped cream.  Yes, I ate it.  Yes, I had to go play basketball for three hours the next day to work it off.  And by it, I mean just the dessert.

Initially, I would be inclined to say that Cuchi Cuchi would be a great location for a date, though the courtesan waitresses offer far too much eye candy that might distract from your date, so perhaps it is not a good location.  So, I would recommend it as a date, as long as you are secure that your relationship could handle the possibility of wandering eye.  The food at Cuchi Cuchi is very rich and delicious, and provides ample evidence to explain how vegetarians can be fat.  However, there are limited vegan options, which I guess is appropriate considering veganism is the antithesis of extravagance, which is the ethos of Cuchi Cuchi.  So, for that, I’ll have to dock it a few points.  Overall, the food was good, there were plenty of vegetarian options, and the atmosphere was pleasant enough to overlook the pretense, so I’ll give Cuchi Cuchi four cheese sandwiches.

*I apologize if I cast unfair aspersions upon the owner, but there was something very fishy going on.

**While these interactions and the high rating may seem to suggest a conflict of interest, I guarantee that the rating has been completely unaffected by any personal interactions with the owner.  In fact, after leaving, I was completely snubbed by both Fernanda and my uncle.

Cuchi Cuchi
795 Main Street
Cambridge, MA 02139 
(617) 864-2929

In the quest to try and review restaurants in Boston that are vegetarian friendly, I often just walk by a place with no rhyme or reason other than that I need to review a restaurant, so I just go in so I have something to review.  One such place that I stumbled upon was the Middle East in Central Square.  The Middle East is more notably famous for being a music venue for bigg-ish musical acts (in their downstairs), and training ground for local music acts upstairs in the dining room.  In the dining room on Tuesdays they have an open mic comedy night, which is your opportunity to see the future of Boston comedy try out jokes for each other, many of which involve drugs, rape, why men and women are different, or why there’s no minorities in Boston (if the comedian is an “ethnic” one).

Nothing goes better with bad comedy than a lentil soup.  Ok, that’s not true – nothing goes well with bad comedy other than an overdose of vicadin.  But I ordered the lentil soup nevertheless, which was pretty crappy and not the typical lentil soup that I’m used to getting at a Middle Eastern restaurant.  It was also strange to have the comics asking to sit at my table because they were not allowed to sit at tables unless they were ordering food.  Since I had food, I could function as their consumption “beard”, which would be the first time that someone has willingly chosen to dine with me (although they wouldn’t eat).  It was pretty nice experience except for the fact that I had to convince these guys that they were funny (a Sisyphean task if there ever was one).

After the lentil soup, I got the couscous with vegetables, which was pretty bland in general, unless you mixed in the spicy sauce (the red sauce on the edge that I accidentally cropped out because I’m an idiot).  If you mix the spicy sauce, prepare to be bombarded like Baghdad in 2003.  Except instead of real bombs, it’ll be spiciness in your mouth, which to a certain point is almost as bad*, especially when combined with the bombs coming from the stage.

Overall, I think I just ordered the wrong things from the Middle East, as I went back again to see some more trainwrecks of comedy, and the falafel and hummus sandwich with fries is both a good deal, and quite tasty.  Probably the best falafel you can get in Central Square (Falafel Palace, I’m looking at you).  I’ll give it three cheese sandwiches, and three and a half cheese sandwiches for the comedy.

*Yes, I’ve never really been to a war zone.  Hence my glib attitude towards it.  Color me guilty.

Middle East Nightclub and Restaurant
472 - 480 Massachusetts Ave
Cambridge, MA 02139 
(617) 864-3278

One of the great joys in life is having pretentiously fancy meals.  The other night, I was with my cousin Tuna and my cousin/aunt Monique. She was going to go to a movie in Fresh Pond Mall, and I had to meet some friends in Central Square at 10, and Tuna needed to go home and “boil some herb” so we needed a place to eat that was centrally located, i.e. Harvard Square.  Unfortunately, there are very few good places to eat in Harvard Square that aren’t pretentious or expensive on a weekend.  So, I thought this was a good opportunity to finally try Om Restaurant, a place whose pretentious decor I have long admired since walking by and seeing a silent disco occurring in the lounge.

Surprisingly, the “free bread” that Om offers is parmesan-truffle oil popcorn.  Don’t get me wrong, it was delicious, even coming from someone who hates popcorn, but it seems like a strange choice of nibble food for a place that pretends to be Asian-inspired.  I don’t know one thing about parmesan-truffle oil popcorn that says Asian, unless the truffle oil is from China.

After the bizarreness of the parmesan-truffle popcorn, a server came by and gave three mini soups.  At first I wasn’t sure what it was, so I asked if it was vegetarian, and the man responded “Drink.” with the most maniacal smile that I thought he was trying to poison my family.  After my cousin who eats meat tried it, he said it was some kind of coconut curry milk soup and was probably vegetarian.  It was actually pretty tasty, and I presume it is some sort of palate cleanser for meal preparation.

I ordered the tempura vegetables, which were pretty average, especially considering that they were six dollars.  They were a little too greasy for my liking, but I did appreciate the opportunity to get some vegetables (I was feeling very health-conscious for this meal, for some reason).

My aunt ordered the vegetable momos, which were just expensive Tibetan dumplings ($7 for 6), and came with three sauces: mint green chili, soy sake, and sweet chili.  I would have enjoyed them more if they weren’t so expensive, but I guess that’s the price you have to pay to export Tibetan food (due to the heavy tariffs imposed on that region by China)*.

I did my best to try to improve this image, but shortly after they served our appetizers, Om decided to make the entire restaurant pitch black.  Which makes sense, considering a group of scantily clad Asian girls came to the next door table.  And before you start getting excited, these were not the kind of scantily clad girls that you enjoy seeing in a Univision Telenovella, these were the kind of girls that dress scantily to overcompensate for their unattractive faces (and personalities).  My aunt ordered the vegetarian noodle soup, which was pretty bland and flavorless.  She offered some to me, after my initial prima nocht, and I gave her the response my dad always use to give me in those kinds of situations: “You made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.”  So, she begrudgingly shoveled that slop into her gullet.  My aunt and I have a very good relationship.

I ordered the Chinese BBQ tofu, which was crispy fried tofu with a BBQ sauce, with Chinese broccoli and Himalayan red rice.  The important part of that sentence was the lack of a “with a ________ sauce” preposition.  While the tofu was actually really tasty (though not meritorious of a $18 price tag), there was zero flavor in the rice and broccoli, which I think were just boiled and/or blanched and put on a plate.  And the four pieces of tofu were inadequate to flavor the rice or broccoli, so I too was shoveling flavorless grub down my gullet.

For the price you pay for food at Om, you’d expect good food, and it turned out the best food were the free popcorn and palate cleanser soup.  Unfortunately, neither of these were meal options, so if you really want to come here, I suggest just going to a real Asian restaurant in Harvard Square like Yen Ching.  I give Om, one and a half cheese sandwiches.

*I’m making up a quasi-plausible explanation of why the momos were so expensive.  Ultimately, there’s no excuse…

Om Restaurant
92 Winthrop Street
Cambridge, MA 02138 
(617) 576-2800