While I am a blogger, I really cannot stand the concept of “social media”, and it infuriates me that there are people whose job it is to maintain Facebook pages and twitter feeds.  I consider these jobs more non-jobs as they really don’t provide any useful good or service to better humanity (the inventors of the SlapChop have contributed more than these people).  I was invited to brunch by Hakeem for his friend for a surprise birthday brunch.  Hakeem’s friend works in “social media”, and all of the guests were social mediums*, and were instructed to not check in on Foursquare upon arrival.  This was going to be a long brunch.

The brunch was at Tavern on Jane, a place Hakeem took me once because they “have great burgers”.  Unfortunately, they don’t have anything for vegetarians, a couple of pasta dishes (where the pasta is vastly overcooked).  Nevertheless, we were dragged to Tavern on Jane for brunch, something that none of us were looking forward to.

I had a pretty good idea that this was going to be a painful brunch, when I noticed that everyone at the table had a smartphone.  More importantly, everyone had put their smartphone on the table, as if it were some sort of public competition.  I kept mine in my pocket (where it belonged), ashamed of the fact that I was even documenting this event for my blog.  If you want to play a fun game, see if you can spot all the cell phones on the table in this picture (some are hidden).  HINT: There are 6!  And that doesn’t include the other 5 cell phones of people who I couldn’t get into the shot.

I first took a picture of my 3-egg omelet (you have the option of filling it with any 3 of green peppers, onions, mushrooms or cheese), and the girl next to me says “Oh, are you on Foodspotting? What’s your screenname? I’ll follow you.”  I don’t know if she was trying to flirt with me, but if she was, it was not working.  The onion, mushroom, cheddar omelet came with homefries, and a fruit bowl.  I’m not a fruit fan, so I asked for no fruit, they didn’t decide to restructure the plate to compensate for the lack of fruit.  The omelet was pretty average, and the homefries were nothing spectacular.

The prix fixe (which the omelet was a part of) came with a bread basket of breads (mostly croissants and muffins).  I took a croissant, which didn’t appear to be fresh, and appeared to be brought in from some industrial croissant factory.

The muffin looked and tasted like the crappy muffins that you’d get in the bread section at your local grocery store.  I felt privileged that I got to spend $14 for the honor to eat a really mediocre, sub par meal.**

Overall, the food at Tavern on Jane is pretty terrible, and very unfriendly towards vegetarians (and vegans).  I couldn’t find anything to recommend about the place, unless you like dining in a dark pit (which could appear charming during the winter, but not as spring is approaching).  I am aware that the awful social network brunch may have tainted my experience, especially the argument that Hakeem and I got with one of the guys who worked for AOL where we asked “Why is there money to do what you do?”  He got very stuffy, and had some canned response which said “We’re really smart, because we have an answer to everything you asked.”  Actually no, you’re smart because you convinced people to pay you for a non-job.  I’ll give Tavern on Jane one cheese sandwich until they deem it necessary to cater to vegetarians or vegans, or even serve good food.

*I don’t know what you call someone who works in social media?  “Loser” seems a bit harsh.

**That sarcasm was brought to you by Irontweet (the Twitter service that only publishes ironic or sarcastic tweets).

Tavern on Jane
31 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10014-5156 
(212) 675-2526

If you’re looking for dating advice, don’t read this blog for dating advice.  That being said, it’s very difficult to try and impress women with fine dining.  On one hand, she might be amazed at your taste, but on the other, she might think you’re just a pretentious snob.  Anyway, I met this girl named Nykesha in New York who I was seeing a few weekends in a row (hanging out, doing fun early date stuff), and I felt it was time to amp up the situation and do a romantic meal together.  This girl works in Midtown Manhattan, and I thought it would be cool to take her to DB Bistro Moderne, a place I almost went to with Hakeem and Chamique that looked like a good date venue*.

Before we even ordered we were given parmesan breadsticks with pesto and olive tapenade.  The breadsticks were light and fresh-tasting, and went well with the pesto and olive tapenade.  As an amuse-bouche, it was quite appealing.

We both ordered soups, and I told her that I was not a big fan of soups, as a function of my wisdom teeth surgery 13 years ago.  Nykesha said I should get over that by now.  I ordered the butternut squash soup, which pretty much was the best soup I’ve ever had.  So, I did get over it, but not because of her, it just turned out that I’ve only been eating really crappy soups for years (sorry, Au Bon Pain!).

That being said, the butternut squash soup was the best soup I had until I tried the wild mushroom soup that Nykesha ordered!  There was such an interesting blend of flavors and textures in the soup, with little quasi-dried mushrooms providing a pop with every spoonful.  I am a big fan of mushrooms, and the bold flavor was really great, almost to the point where I tried to get her to switch (with no success).

Nykesha ordered the orecchiette pasta, which is supposed to have a venison ragout, but they were willing to make vegetarian by not putting in the venison.  They did put in the butternut squash, chestnuts, and tomatoes.  The pasta was obviously very fresh, but the flavor was quite mundane and likely needed the ragout to taste good.

I ordered the “parsley impression farfalle”, which was the only dedicated vegetarian option on the menu (that wasn’t an appetizer).  Basically it was campanelle pasta with mushrooms, tomatoes, truffles and parmesan.  While I was enjoying the food and I actually much preferred my pasta dish to Nykeshas, I was slowly thinking about how much I was spending on this meal (~$30 for each pasta dish!).

Nevertheless, a meal’s got to end in dessert.  We decided to split the hazelnut marjolaine gateaux, which was frangelico cream, milk chocolate coffee mousse, devils food cake, and coffee ice cream (and a bizarrely cool chocolate wheel).  The desserts at DB Bistro Moderne are definitely the highlight of any meal.  It’s cliche to say that the meal looked to good to eat, but it actually felt weird digging into such a beautifully organized dish.

Overall, Nykesha and I had a good time, despite us both realizing that this New York-Boston thing was not going to work.  She definitely had a better time, as I ended up paying for the whole thing (stupid chivalry…).  What food is available for vegetarians at DB Bistro Moderne is fantastic and very delicious.  However, the selection is very limited, and while I had a very tasty pasta dish, modifying a dish to make it vegetarian just does not work.  Furthermore, the staff didn’t seem too keen to try and invent something for us knowing that we were vegetarian and didn’t want to have the exact same meal experience.  So, I can’t give full credit to DB Bistro Moderne for that.  However, for a fancy dining restaurant, it is reasonably priced, and the food is amazing, so I’ll give it three and a half cheese sandwiches.  I could be assuaged to give it 5 if it catered to vegetarians with a couple more entrees.

*Before you ask, SHE wanted me to record the date by blog.  Women can be vain sometimes.

DB Bistro Moderne
55 West 44th Street
New York, NY 10036

I believe I have iterated this several times before, but there are not a lot of food options around the UN.  It’s not uncommon for Hakeem and I to disagree on what we want to eat for lunch, and the food court affords us both whatever we want.  Hakeem decided to go to Two Boots Pizza, and I decided to try out the Manhattan Chili Company.

I decided to get the four bean and butternut squash, which was the hottest veggie chili that they had.  They also had a red lentil and totally vegetable chili which were the medium hot and mild variants of their chili (though the totally vegetable could arguably be called a soup instead).  This soup was actually pretty hot, but was not inedibly so, which is the appropriate amount of hot for my liking.  All of the chilis are vegan (unless you decide to add cheese) and gluten-free.

If you get a bowl of chili, you can get two packets of oyster crackers or a mini-cornbread muffin.  Being an intelligent person, I obviously decided to get the mini-cornbread muffins.  The cornbread was mediocre, but it was helpful to temper the heat of the hot chili.

All in all, the food at Manhattan Chili Co. is not bad, vegan and celiac friendly, but my major caveat against it would be that it is very pricy.  For my bowl of chili, I ended up paying almost $10!  Quite exorbitant for trivial amount of chili I was given.  But, this is New York, and I am competing against investment banker jerks who have no qualms dropping $10 on a skimpy bowl of chili.  For this, I can’t give them full points, but I’ll give them four cheese sandwiches for being pretty vegetarian friendly.

Manhattan Chili Company
109 East 42nd Street
New York, NY 10017-8500 
(212) 682-6644

I always am amazed at the ridiculous ethnic cuisine in New York.  For instance, La Petite Abeille is a chain of Belgian restaurants (because we all know how great Belgian cuisine is, right?), and I was recently introduced to a Swiss restaurant in SoHo, Cafe Select.

What meal are the Swiss best known for? Brunch.  Just kidding, but I went with Hakeem and Chamique to Cafe Select for brunch, as is their obsession.  We started off with a baked goods platter ($10), which included slices of brioche, banana walnut bread, and blueberry muffins.  The breads were all great, but the highlight was the banana walnut bread, which was amazing.

I ordered the mushroom and Swiss omelet, a standard for Swiss cuisine.  The omelet was served with a rosti, a Swiss hash-brown, where the outer layer of potato is fried to a crisp, with the inside being soft and potato-y.  I have had rostis at other pretentious brunch venues, and this was by far the best I’ve ever had.  However, I don’t understand why they can’t put some cheese in the middle of the rosti, making it that much more amazing.  But I guess from this standpoint it is vegan-friendly.  The eggs were pretty tasty, though the filling was quite meagre.  At this point, I am very unimpressed by most omelets unless they really stuff it with fillings.

Cafe Select is not very vegetarian friendly, as I would expect from my experience in Switzerland.  There are one or two entrees or dishes that are vegetarian friendly, though it doesn’t appear that these vegetarian dishes are signature quality.  What is the most impressive aspect of Cafe Select (at least for that afternoon) was the music selection.  Dropping 70’s Italian disco, and old school house, the atmosphere created was somewhere between chic and nostalgic (nostalgic only if you’re Italian or really into house music).  As a former DJ, I respect that music selection, which biases this review more favorably than perhaps Cafe Select deserves.  So, I’ll give them three and a half cheese sandwiches.

Cafe Select
212 Lafayette St # A
New York, NY 10012-4025 
(212) 925-9322

New York is well known for being the home of the greatest pizza in the world.  This is true to the point that many people actually believe pizza was invented in New York.  This is completely false, as pizza originated in Naples through many forms until it reached the form of the “tomato pie”, which was vastly improved with the addition of cheese around the late 19th century.  In the last 10-15 years, New York has become flush with Neopolitan pizzerias, serving simple fresh and light wood-fired pizzas.  Hakeem introduced me to Keste around three years ago, and it has been one of my favorite pizzas in New York (sorry Famous Rays).

On my last trip there, I went with Hakeem, Chamique, and two of their friends in the entertainment industry (nobody you would know, they’re both producers/behind the scenes people).  I decided to order the pizza Margherita, the pizza designed by baker Raffaelo Esposito for the visit of Queen Margherita of Savoy.  She was quite fond of his pizza reminiscent of the colours of the Italian flag (basil = green, cheese = white, tomatoes = red).  According to Neopolitans, there are only two real pizzas, pizza Margherita, and pizza marinara (tomato sauce and bread, no cheese).  Obviously, I always err on the side of pizza margherita.

My initial problems with Keste was that their base was not strong enough to support the heavy sauce and cheese, which is the same problem I always have when I try making pizza at home.  What many restaurants do is pre-cook the bread so that it is somewhat firm before having to soak up all the moisture from the tomatoes.  Keste doesn’t appear to do this, but they have improved the quality of the crust that it can support whatever toppings added. The ingredients are all fantastic - fresh basil, buffalo mozzarella, San Marzano tomatoes, and the very tasty crust.  The only complaint still would be the danger of weak pizza physics.

I swapped a slice with Hakeem’s friend who works at CBS (yes, that CBS).  He ordered the pizza funghi, unaware of the unorthodoxy of his order.  The mushrooms were pretty good, but not anything amazing.  As soon as I lifted the pizza, all the cheese, sauce and tomatoes came off.  So, pizza construction doesn’t hold up to anything much beyond just tomato and cheese.

Keste is one of my favorite high end pizzerias in New York.  While the pizza construction is not the greatest, it is a problem that I have experienced at almost every Neopolitan pizzeria.  At least Keste does not err on the side of overcooking the dough/burning the pizza, which is much worse than just having the toppings fall off.  So, go to Keste, but don’t get anything beyond the pizza Margherita, unless you like eating tomato-y bread and having a plate full of toppings.  Vegans can get the pizza marinara, but otherwise they don’t accommodate your inability to eat cheese.  At least you’re being authentic by eating the marinara!  For celiacs, there are three dedicated gluten-free pizzas which are only available on Monday and Tuesday.  I don’t know how they resolve the potential for gluten cross-contamination by using the same oven, so that would be a warning.  Overall, Keste is great, and does a pretty good job to cater to vegetarians and celiacs, so for that I’ll give them four cheese sandwiches.

Keste
271 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 10014-4102 
(212) 243-1500